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  • Elyssa

That wasn't easy...

Updated: Sep 22, 2023

I did it. I took the nursery down. When Sadler's headstone was set, I knew we had a place to be with him. We had a place we could cry, a place to celebrate with Sadler, a place to sit and think if that's what we needed. I leaned on my nursery so much after losing Sadler to be my place of remembrance for him. I wanted a place to put all the gifts we got after losing him. I needed that space to sit, cry, and hold my bear that weighed 4 lbs and 3 oz and dream about holding Sadler again one day.

It hit me slowly that I would never have Sadler in that nursery. As much as I tried to push that thought to the side somehow, reality set in fast that we would never bring our sweet Sadler home to that room. It takes a long time to get past the "denial" stage when you lose a baby. We would never rock him in that rocking chair, we would never lay him in that crib, we would never read him the books that were set on that shelf, and we would never get to dress him in any of those clothes that smelled like Dreft. I knew it was time to get rid of this nursery. I knew it was time to donate the baby clothes, pack up the books, break down the crib, get rid of the chair, and rip the wallpaper off the walls. As much as I wanted to bring a baby home to this room, I knew I couldn't bring a baby home to "Sadler's Nursery." I'll never bring Sadler home. I'll never be excited to get a nursery together without fearing to rip it apart again. But I will say that I am so proud of myself for being able to accept my reality.

I never saw Sadler in any of the outfits I boxed up or donated. So, I never had a true connection to the clothes other than the imagination.

However, if you are reading this and you have a loved one's room sitting just the way they left it, I get it. If that room is your place to mourn and be closest to them, leave it. Don't let anyone tell you how you're grieving is wrong; don't let anyone tell you that leaving their room is just making the pain worse. You do you. Taking down Sadler's nursery for me was another step in my healing journey. I knew to move forward, that was another thing I had to do. I had to start fresh.

You do what you need to do. Your testimony is yours, and there is no right way to grieve and heal.

I hear you, I see you, and know you're not alone.

Keep reaching for the light, my friends.


All my love,


Elyssa

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